I have had a dream that one of my cousins died. In my dream, my cousin and I were on the top of a building, and I persuaded her into jumping down the building because she told me that she was under the pressure. I told her that she will be more happier after she jumped. She smiled happily at me and really did jump down the building. I saw she died but she could still move her head and looked at me madly. She shouted at me and said," You told me that I would be happier than before!"
After few days passed, my cousin who once appeared in my dream came to my home. She smiled at me just like the dream she did. She said that she dreamed that she died because of me. I asked her why.
She said because I told that she would be happier after she jumped down the building.
1. I told her that she will be more happier after she jumped.
回覆刪除(will 要改成would,而more happier 的more要刪掉)
2.最後兩行應該可以再上移到上一行吧?!
以上是孟孟給你的建議喲~
那個more happier如果想加強語氣的話
回覆刪除在more前面+much吧!
變成"much more happier"
第五行的still 是不是要放在could的前面阿!
回覆刪除第二段第二行the dream的前面加上in
第二段第三行dreamed的前面應該可以加上had
我看到的被一樓同學講走了
回覆刪除可是我有心得喔~~~
就是不可以在晚上看你的文章=..=
I told her that she will be more happier after she jumped.變成after jumping down會不會比較好?這樣就不會有很多she
回覆刪除沒什麼大問題
回覆刪除大家也都把意見說完了
所以我就沒有打了0.0
I saw she died其中的die要改原形或ing喔~~
回覆刪除其他沒問題!:))
She said because I told that she would be happier after she jumped down the building.
回覆刪除我覺得改成She said that it's because I told ~
好驚悚喔= =
回覆刪除